Awoke from a dream where it seems I was taking a few college classes - maybe auditing? Not clear, but I was discussing the semester's progress and outcomes with a couple of people - one was in a class I had committed to - and as I talked through my courses and how I was finishing, her cadence changed. Seems I had stopped attending [and likely forgotten] about the class. That I had stopped didn't seem to be the issue, but that I was patting myself on the back, when I had been unsuccessful at ALL my commitments seemed a bigger deal. Although she said nothing audibly, in a split second I began calculating what might be required to take a final that had already been given -- or finish and submit any assignments/projects the course required... This was quickly followed by shame. Shame that my default response was to think through the steps that would make it OK -- that I would try to scramble, to save face, was equally as shameful as forgetting about my commitment.
When I write this out, I am humbled by the awareness of twisted motives that have become autopilot in my life. Their origin and existence could be "justified" or psycho-analyzed in depth. But, these motives do not align with who I am created to be. If I dismiss their existence, I am perpetuating a lie. Upon reflection, an odd little dream revealed how a subtle twist that I believed took root, distorted my lens, and damaged my effectiveness and authenticity.
Again and again and again.
Now I have a choice.
When my default is a twisted motive...
I can use it as an excuse.
I can loathe its existence in destructive patterns.
I can claim victim status, blamer, or get angry, but then what?
I will choose to apply TRUTH and LIGHT to situations as they are revealed and see where it leads me.
The toughest part (to date) is now I am publishing this dream obediently. Truth and light lead to freedom.
